About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
two people or more is called a problem
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*