Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
☠️☠️☠️
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…