1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”