*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
calling in to work dehydrated
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”