“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You Might Also Like
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A bold strategy
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
twitter users today:
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Same post same
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂