Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt