Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Meeeee too!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!