Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.