Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.