ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
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I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
😆this is so true
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream