*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
How did we not see this back then?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.