If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter