This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
That’s not how days work.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah