I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…