Mmmm. Shoeshi
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Hell yeah 👍
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*bites zombie*
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.