We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.