Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human