When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
There is wisdom there.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Where is your GOD now????
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat