I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
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You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
the Monday after daylight savings
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
*has no idea what a book even is*