nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
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Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
marvel comics have peaked
dutch is not a serious language
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Wake me when AI does housework
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what