90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Ain’t no way
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything