Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
🤣🤣