12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
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me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
For the orator and chef in all of us
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”