If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Strangers have the best candy.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!