My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
*3.5 thank you very much.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?