Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I would like even faster food.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
is this a warning or an offer?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?