I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Something Saturday.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.