I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
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I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
getting groceries
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.