Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
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My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury