If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!