TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
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Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
So we got a goldfish…
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat