My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
felt that
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.