*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.