[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
some cats are just doing for fun!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink