lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
こいつ天才
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Can Happiness buy money?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
ME (calling my horse with no name):
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs