just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
My blood type is b hungry.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.