Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
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gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”