How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
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Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.