A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Last-minute gift idea!
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Its true…
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Huge, if true.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
These work great until they don’t.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore