Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*