You Might Also Like
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related