Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”