You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one