John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Oh we’ve met.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
We avoided this particular disaster
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
This is my pinned tweet
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.