While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
That eye roll….
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.