As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.