I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
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[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just as the prophecy foretold
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Namaste
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.