[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
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Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.