Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
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The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.