I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”