I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
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If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Jurassic park gets weird
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*jingles half the way*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.