Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this